Kuom Elnino Kuom

I think it must be the blood of the Kinuthia’s that invented a computer virus and at the same time, invent its anti-virus. The idea behind such an invention was to infect your machine with bugs which forces you to buy the anti-virus from him. That is business.
I also heard of another relative of Kinuthia who would sell maize to the luhyas in buses travelling to Western counties from Kawangware, Nairobi. After an hour, he would be seen in the bus vending water and some stomach pills to ease stomach discomfort. Anyone who ate his maize would definitely buy the pills and water. After another hour, he would request the ‘pilot ‘ to stop the bus somewhere near a bush for people to ‘help’  themselves. He would then sell tissue paper and pampers (for the kids who were fed on his boiled maize) to the people who would be running to that bush! After that, he would sell ‘soda’  to them to pacify their rumbling stomachs, which was the sife effect of his pills. Don’t you think he is was a real entrepreneur? I will not mention of this other (not yet confirmed if he had Kinuthia’s DNA) who prepared cakes and sweets and illegally invented bhang as an additive to lace such foods with. On consuming such, one would develop a craving for that food, buy it frequently and in the long run promote somebody’s business.

Having this legal revelation with me and having interacted with Kinuthia’s friends and relatives,  I have learned a thing or two about seizing opportunities when it comes to entrepreneurship. Therefore, from today henceforth, call me Waiganjo Bonoko-the entrepreneur.
I am aware of the fear that is in Kenyans due to the Elnino factor. As a businessman, I am anxiously waiting to unleash my business when this rain hits our soils.
I have already secured the 07’s of Mr. Weather man, whom we schooled together a few years ago, to find out the exact date when these rains shall water us in Eastlando.


I will then inform Ras KG, aka Kariuki Wa Gaciuri, our Plot Ten caretaker, that I will not pay rent for that month but will invest it and pay back with a five percent profit. That’s business. Having promised him this, I will now seriously invest that money for rent. How?
I will start with himself. I will tell him that there is a business idea that has dropped in my oblongata, not after enjoying his holy herb but after ‘meditiating’  on how to divorce poverty.
Because I am the one pregnant with that idea, I will have to set rules lest I lose my business to him. I cannot ignore this truth because he is also a relative of Kinuthia. I want to have 80% of the shares in the company we’re planning to start up with Ras, so I will have to be smart. ‘Ujanja muhimu.
He doesn’t talk to people when he is ‘not high’. He even comes to ‘padlock’ your door if you have defied or you are late in paying monthly rent after he has done some ‘worship’. Quite sad that interacting with smoke is a form of ‘worship’ to him.
Anyway, because he believes he is a ‘rasta’, I will buy a package specifically for him. I will approach him when he is on cloud ten, on a weekend, especially after Arsenal has won in Premier League. This will create a good environment for him to procure the ‘Elnino Rasta’s package’ as a prerequisite before I do business with him. “Yeahman. Did ya’ know di Elnino is to kuom? How yu’ prepared? … ‘
I will procure some plastic gumboots at four hundred Kenyan dollars and paint the flag of the rastas on them.
Then I will inscribe a ‘Yeahman’ on a scarf, a ‘Yesssaiya’ on a bangle, an ‘airee’ on a bling bling, an ‘Awoolan ashatadee’ on a pair of shades and a ‘Waagwaan Ras KG’ on the back of a jersey, all painted in red, black, yellow and green which is the colour of  ‘Haile Selasiae’  followers.  All this shall cost me a full month’s rent but he will have to cough out a four month’s rent from them. Be sure he will buy it even if I escalate its price to dance on a cloud higher than a six months’ rent! Because he doesn’t handle cash, we shall do some barter trade: I hand him the rastas consignment and he ‘cheques’ me with four month receipts for house rent! No bargaining. Lastly, I will not forget a calendar fo him with these inscriptions and a Jamaican flag :
“Diem say dem rastas don’t get broke. If they get broke, diem don’t cry. If diem cry, diem don’t steal. If dem steal, diem don’t steal much and if diem steal much then wat diem steal should be smelling the holy herb…”


We shall then collaborate to supply water because on raining, there will be a power blackout so the water pump shall not work.This will force ‘Plot tenners’  to buy our water. Because it shall be raining, they shall not get to Mama Boy’s stalls to buy sukuma wiki. We shall therefore supply and deliver eggs, cakes and some beverages at their doorsteps at a fee… 

Psssst… Business ideas are not published for every relative of Kinuthia to see. I will not be surprised to find such an Elnino package delivered to Ras by someone from this plot afrer reading this, so I better keep quiet… Also, I heard another pastor binding the Elnino. I didn’t say ‘Amen’ to that prayer. For Mr. Waiganjo Bonoko to say Amen, the pastor should have edited the prayer to; “…Come Elnino Come  BUT dare not destroy anything or kill anything… ”

Muthee Musakhulu

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