I am planning to join the millionaires’ club soon, now that the pontiff has for the first time stepped on African soils. I may subscribe to that league before or immediately after I procure the definite article ‘the’ and the suffix ‘s’. I mean, sooner before or after my name has been promoted to ‘The Nyukuri’s.’
Anyway, I would like to declare to everyone in the whole nation that after I have divorced my current financial status, nobody should ever speak negative of my hard-earned gold lest I inform the pope about it.
A lot shall be said about my financial status, I know, but be of good cheer because you’re also not an exemption from such allegations if you decide to become a millionaire.
Some good people will confidently declare and decree that I got my money after sweet-talking and ‘entering the box’ a filthy-rich lady in the city. Others will say that I got the sacks of cheddar from an Italian grandma in the name of a sugar mummy whom we met in Koinange street when I got lost in the city a few years ago . Beware because the pope has been on our soils and any lies sowed in the santified soils shall not prosper!
Another one will gather people together and inform them that I NYS’ed public funds after getting a job as a secretary in the government offices. I am good at maths and budgeting so ‘siwesi cheswa’ with that Indian shopkeeper who sold non-carcinogenic wheelbarrows at a hundred thousand shillings somewhere in ‘kuku land’, a price that could buy a plot in Kajiado. I know of ‘dukas’ that sell ‘kipande’ soap at three shillings. Why shouldn’t I befriend such a shopkeeper instead of the former?
I hear that a group of people will declare in their churches that I finally joined illuminati church, the ultimate source of my ‘sonkoism.’ They say this is the only church that ‘sonkofies’ people, unlike other ‘Kanyari’ churches that seem to ‘de-sonkofy’ it’s faithfuls instead.
So my brothers and sisters, friends and relatives, such people will eargely wait to see a misfortune hit us and they will say that those are the side effects of ‘eating bad money.’ They will state categorically that I will be paying your blood back for the wealth I will have received. ‘Riswaaa! ‘
Others will whisper behind my back that I joined a gay church in the city and that is why I got rich instantly. I am yet to fathom how I can, in my sanity, call a bearded guy (who may be uglier than myself) ‘sweety’ or ‘babe’, leave alone walking together while holding hands to that gay church.
Others will say that I took loans from eight banks and a top-up from M-PESA and later on threw away that line. Others will try to find out from my fiancee/spouse if I have been an ardent fan of any promotion or betting site like the ‘Angukia Millioni na Safaricom’ promotion or Sportpesa.
If one corners you to find out where I got my wealth from, just tell him or her that I got it from illuminati. This will help me bar some notorious, experienced borrowers from asking me to‘build’ them with short loans that I am not sure If they will ever pay back.
Also, be creative and inform others that the juju I imported from Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia was so strong that it attracted the Central Bank of Kenya into my house and made that Catholic governor called Patrick Njoroge my best friend.