The Prospective Millionaire

I am planning to join the millionaires’ club soon, now that the pontiff has for the first time stepped on African soils. I may subscribe to that league before or immediately after I procure the definite article ‘the’ and the suffix ‘s’. I mean, sooner before or after my name has been promoted to ‘The Nyukuri’s.’ 
Anyway, I would like to declare to everyone in the whole nation that after I have divorced my current financial status, nobody should ever speak negative of my hard-earned gold lest I inform the pope about it.


A lot shall be said about my financial status, I know, but be of good cheer because you’re also not an exemption from such allegations if you decide to become a millionaire.
Some good people will confidently declare and decree that I got my money after sweet-talking and ‘entering the box’  a filthy-rich lady in the city. Others will say that I got the sacks of cheddar from an Italian grandma in the name of a sugar mummy whom we met in Koinange street when I got lost in the city a few years ago . Beware because the pope has been on our soils and any lies sowed in the santified soils shall not prosper!
Another one will gather people together and inform them that I NYS’ed public funds after getting a job as a secretary in the government offices. I am good at maths and budgeting so ‘siwesi cheswa’  with that Indian shopkeeper who sold non-carcinogenic wheelbarrows at a hundred thousand shillings somewhere in ‘kuku land’, a price that could buy a plot in Kajiado. I know of ‘dukas’  that sell ‘kipande’ soap at three shillings. Why shouldn’t I befriend such a shopkeeper instead of the former?

I hear that a group of  people will declare in their churches that I finally joined illuminati church, the ultimate source of my ‘sonkoism.’ They say this is the only church that ‘sonkofies’ people, unlike other ‘Kanyari’ churches that seem to ‘de-sonkofy’  it’s faithfuls instead.
So my brothers and sisters, friends and relatives, such people will eargely wait to see a misfortune hit us and they will say that those are the side effects of  ‘eating bad money.’  They will state categorically that I will be paying your blood back for the wealth I will have received. ‘Riswaaa!
Others will whisper behind my back that I joined a gay church in the city and that is why I got rich instantly. I am yet to fathom how I can, in my sanity, call a bearded guy (who may be uglier than myself) ‘sweety’ or ‘babe’, leave alone walking together while holding hands to that gay church.
Others will say that I took loans from eight banks and a top-up from M-PESA and later on threw away that line. Others will try to find out from my fiancee/spouse if I have been an ardent fan of any promotion or betting site like the  ‘Angukia Millioni na Safaricom’ promotion or Sportpesa.
If one corners you to find out where I got my wealth from, just tell him or her that I got it from illuminati.  This will help me bar some notorious, experienced borrowers from asking me to‘build’  them with short loans that I am not sure If they will ever pay back.
Also, be creative and inform others that the juju I imported from Kuala Lumpur,  Malaysia was so strong that it attracted the Central Bank of Kenya into my house and made that Catholic governor called Patrick Njoroge my best friend.

Muthee Musakhulu

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