Bug’s Barbecue? Me?

This is yet another national disaster that is heavily pregnant and is almost coming to birth! I wonder why the renowned whistleblower, Baba Tinga is yet to foresee such a disaster and eurobond or NYS it into the citizens’ ears!
I believe that other than the devil, the shark tanks in town, too, hate these creatures with passion, and so do I. Why shouldn’t such creatures actually come to ‘know people’ and keep off their jurisdiction? Riswaa!

I had decided to hibernate for a few months without drafting my weekly tidbits but terrible  ”wanyamas” have peddled me back into the game. Some people call them  ”nyayo,” others ”kunguni”… the bedbugs! I have been bombed out of my nesting place by these animals that have decided to tragically invade my space-both at work and in the buses along the Outer Ring road to the CBD!
Last weekend, we were having lunch at work and I had joined a table with ladies on internship. The ladies were yapping on matters regarding their college studies coupled with the new experiences they had subjected their medulla oblongatas to at our work place. They had only heard of EDTA in college but had now gotten a privilege of experiencing how it is used as a chelating agent in wiping off the date codes on refillable glass bottles in the bottle washing machine.
As an old man, I couldn’t join their conversations because we were not in sync basing on the stuffs that were wowing us at that moment. I was excited with the reopening of Chase Bank because I was an indirect investor in that bank (I mean, some of my debtors have their resources in that institution.) All the same, having already washed my hands and rolled my sleeves over to the elbow, I kinda struggled to diagnose and dissect the goldenbrown chicken thighs with a fork, a knife and a spoon. I gave up and stocked the cutlery in my hands at the corner of the tray and handled the drumsticks with my bare sterilised distal phalanges.
My hands were greased with oil and I was feeling good while churning the flesh in my mouth and downing it with fanta orange at temperatures lower than five degrees Celsius.

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Hell broke loose when I saw a mnyama crawling majestically on my shoulder approaching my neck like Lupita Nyong’o doing a catwalk in New York. I am yet to understand  how one of that creature got on my white shirt! This ‘kamnyama’  had decided to  ‘jitokeza’ and ‘jionyesha mbele ya watu’ on my white shirt! I almost threw the food in my hands to combat this enemy only to realize that the ladies on the opposite side of the table were facing me. I whispered Elisha’s prayer, that they be stricken with blindness not see this bug and my prayer seemed to have been answered because none of the young lasses saw the bug. They continued laughing over issues only our lastborn sister would also laugh at. The”mnyama”  finally managed to escape my fiery wrath!
It then crawled over the collars and I felt its tiny legs massaging my scapula… I was keenly  ‘listening’  how the creature was enjoying while crawling over my shoulder and I cursed why I hadn’t worn a body-hugging vest that would have saved me from such agony.

Men are poor at multitasking; I couldn’t ”listen,” eat and check on these ladies concurrently . I therefore  lost control of the piece of chicken which fell off my phalanges onto the plate with a thud! Fortunately, the blind ladies were still in the dark.
I ‘listened’  again and felt its touch on my groin down my… I was unable to chew the piece of flesh that was in my mouth but I still managed to‘listen.’  Phenotypically, I  pretended to be deep in thoughs for the ladies not to realize anything about the fateful boat I was sailing in. Genotypically, I was feeling it crawling down my last line of defence. My arsenal seemed to be baggy due to the tear and wear effect of friction while running up and down the conveyor lines. It had worn out along the waist so the ”kamnyama” easily crossed over the Atlantic ocean into the Antarctica! It then changed its direction and sailed across the backbone towards the wilderness, then castled right above the throat of the carburetor. The venturi seemed to have constricted on realizing that some alien were inhabiting the area.
I was keenly ‘listening’  and I discerned what the ‘kamnyama’ was planning to do next: convert me into a barbecue and bite in the presence of the interns!
I was sweating profusely by then and I knew that if I did a mistake, I would regret forever. For instance, I couldn’t take my hands to the antarctica and smash it with my knuckles lest I painfully dismantle the foundation it had encamped on. Secondly, my hands were oily and I was not yet done with my meal. Worst of all, I couldn’t scratch myself because the interns were right before my nose… and they were ladies!
I cursed the ”kamnyama”  in the name of my ancestors but that would not deter it from confirming my fears! Like a time bomb in a James Bond movie, I counted upto three and visualized the creature raising its head with open maxillae and mandibles readying itself to bore it’s rostrum into the ground it stood on to find the oil well … I jumped off of my seat and shot towards the door to the amazement of the ladies. I reached my phone and received a  ‘phantom’  call and shouted to a  ‘ghost’  workmate … ” On my way coming, I had forgotten about the glycol in the heat exchanger and the volume of the didecyldimethylammonium chloride solution in the lube station… ‘

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I can’t remember the exact words I pronounced on the pathway  but I successfully found myself standing at ease in the gents’ room. After isolating and quarantining my body from my clothes, I realized that the bug had not even gone past the collars of my shirt! It had been pertubed and had released some octenal and hexenal compounds constituting the alarm pheromone to give a characteristic smell to scare me away! What had really camped on my carburetor was just a drop of sweat – thus a “waiganjo bug/a bonoko bug” that had costed me my sumptuous lunch, with interns being the eyewitnesses!! Nkt!

Psssst : Research has proven that 90% of the stuff we fear and dread most never come to pass! Therefore, don’t allow things that will never come to happen start off your day on a low note. Remember, do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

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