I feel like suing some organization here. Most of you have been victims of their product but because you have always lacked the Sossion’s audacity to take such as bold a step as mine, you have never thought of taking this case to court. Somebody to therefore text me the 07’s of my good friend, Mr. Muigai wa Githu, the Attoney General.
I have drafted a letter requesting him to investigate the physical, mental, financial, biological and spiritual harm I have incurred due to succumbing to unnecessary bouts of sleep. This company is none other than the Sleep Manufacturing Limited.
I know most of you are wondering how one can sue a company. Feel privileged to sit in my class for a lecture on legal matters as to why I have taken civil action against this company.
Their product has really subjected me to indescribable suffering under the sun. For information purposes, torts are wrongdoings that are done by one party against another. Therefore, the tort I am seeking legal actions against is under a category known as Strict Products Liability. It applies when a product for which an appropriate defendant holds responsibility causes harm to the plaintiff. To simplify this, I am the plaintiff, or the injured party and this company is considered the tortfeasor or defendant, the negligent party. I have therefore established a strict liability offense where their product did predispose me to a psychological enigma that was inherently dangerous as far as my sanity is concerned. I have suffered a great deal as a result of consuming their product. Therefore, I am taking a civil action against the company to recoup compensation for pain, suffering, shame, time wastage and other expenses incurred as a result of consuming their product.
Now that you know, lets get out of class because some of you have already become plaintiffs by dozing off thus proving my allegations right.
The damages slumber has done to me while in church can’t be taken stock of. Imagine sleep attacking you mercilessly while suffocating your body in a three piece suit in church, seated at the front row with the bishops! I mean I had been welcomed by a friend to preach about the Parable of the Weeds in Matthew 13:24-43, only to find myself dozing off even before I began preaching! I eventually crushed my Japanese tablet because of being drowsy. The notebook I had was full of lines crisscrossing each other as a result of trying to jot down notes while half-awake. Thank goodness because nobody realized that the invited guest was a victim of slumber. In addition, I didn’t disengage the rear gear like some have done only to find themselves harming the innocent environment and the people around. I am not blaming the weather condition. Neither shall I put that blame on the heavy meal I bombarded my intestines with nor the Mc who was too boring. At the same time, I shall not say that I hadn’t slept because I had worked on the night shift. I solely blame this company.
It has severally attacked me while in a mat hence damaging my pockets and my precious time. I have severally gone past my home from work because of napping in the bus. This has doubled my transport budget every month. I also remember that day vividly, when I was travelling from Nairobi to Kehancha, Migori County for a business meeting. Having reached Narok after a four hour travel, I awoke and visited the gents room behind Hotel Villa. With eyes half open, I went out to relieve my bladder, got back in the bus and shut down my eyes to fully engage the dream software. After another four hours, I found myself back in Nairobi! I had boarded the wrong bus in Narok due to the influence of this product! I will not speak of the time, money and other valuable commodities I lost. This company must indeed compensate me.
To confirm to you that I am not the only victim, this is the damage my friend experinced some years back before most of you were born. Have you ever stetched your spinal cord on the bed, specifically on the first floor of a double decker just to relax and unwind, only to dream that you’re swimming? I guess you have never. My friend Tony vowed never to sleep on the first floor because he suffered a great deal from such a dream. He once crumpled in the middle of the night, hitting his half-alive-half-dead skeleton on tin boxes in the dormitory some years ago. This forced him to have a night virgil till dawn and that was his last day in a boarding school. It also reminds me of the instances I used to enjoy a nap in class. My classmates would roll a full page of a newspaper diagonally, insert it in my mouth and light that long cigarette. That is how I got my lips burnt a number of times and I am blaming this company for such damages! They would also pile plates and cups on our heads while napping on the desks. One would then mimick our class teacher’s voice to scare the students who were drowsy. With utensils on their heads, they would snap like a snare thus sending the utensils airbone which would then land on the floor with clanging sounds like drumsets hit by a mad man.
I’m also yet to forget the instances I awoke to find my book turned upside down or a stone laying on the desk and the headboy looking directly in my eyes as if I had rectangular eyeballs!
Dreaming within a dream is another product that this company has done some reengineering on. I mean that moment you are sleeping and you dream that you are sleeping and dream in the second dream. This is called dreaming double twice or experiencing a dream within a dream. My friend Jonah experienced such. He had climbed up a tree to avoid being sent to the market by his mum. Sleep took over and he dreamt of playing football and throwing stones at their opponents at the same time. He found himself on the ground with a great thud. He let out a combination of a loud cry and a gentleman’s groan but luckily, he only broke his scapula and femur. He is said to have developed this disease of dying three or falling three (otherwise called epilepsy) due to that fall. His head missed a rock by inches and that is how he got born again.
I have dozed off while standing upright (which I believe is a talent worth being recorded in the Guinness Book).
I can’t comprehend how I didnt give in to the force of gravity but remember when I almost fell while in a queue. I had to feign that something had tripped off my foot to save my face.
I therefore have incurred a heavy loss after experiencing these numerous instances of unnecessary naps. Any Sossion out there to back me up in this solidarity ting? Tony and Jonah, whrre are you? We shall become millionaires on winning this case like the teachers. If the court shall backdate the period we ought to be compensated to the year 1999, determine all the damages we have incurred and order for that payment, then we are billionaires in waiting!