This Great Prospective Daddy

Having interacted with my daddy since I was very young, I learnt a few tips of fatherhood from him. Having entrusted the mantle to me as a reliable soldier, I think it is now my obligation to pass it on to the next generation. A retired general he is but I owe him all respect for these insights he instilled in me. Therefore, in my preparation to take that mantle, I am looking forward to see this boy that I shall father down the line.
To be more precise, that boy who shall be tagged with my name should be a bright chap; genes originating from this retired general with a replica of his father’s cerebral cortex.
To begin with, I’ll forget not to teach him the thirteen principles of men in the society. The first law shall be never for him to tell his mum anything concerning the outings we shall be having. He should be a prospective serious man of few words like his father. Therefore, in case his mum enquires about it, he should just pronounce four syllables in answering: The outing was great. Period.
The second law shall be, ‘Men Never Say Die.’ He should always pursue peace but never allow boys or girls at school to bully him. Besides, I would teach him some technical combat moves to deal with his classmates who try to cross his or his siblings’ path. The retired commando has always fought tooth and nail for his family against any intruder. Correspondingly, this boy should hold onto that principle without giving it a second thought. He should always be ready to defend his siblings at school against any harrasment by their fellow students. As a matter of fact, bullies should also be bullied. In case he shall fall prey to the bullies in a fight, give in to defeat and probably receive a beating from them, he should not cry and if forced to, he should find some secret place and shed that tear of defeat. Men don’t cry in public.
Moreover, he should not tell his mum that he fought and was overpowered because she would definitely grant him an extra beating to crown the other one he received at school. Instead, he should postpone saying the truth by claiming that he injured himself while playing football. Later, after he has healed,  he should then let the cat out of the bag.
Nevertheless, it would be fun to collaborate with the kid especially when doing things that his mum would never tolerate. For instance, eating mutura is something her mum would never expect to be mentioned in her presence. In addition, having done some biology in college, she is always against this idea of consuming an ingredient I love most: red pepper fresh from the garden. She claims that it can trigger stomach ulcers so she would uproot the hair follicles plus the weave on her head on hearing that somebody fed her son with red pepper!
Men are heavy feeders so she should not expect me to buy him stuff like chips and chocolate. Such would be snacks for herself and the boy’s sisters. At the same time, the lad should understand that eating twice per day is another law for men, but I’ll spare him from that because he is young and needs food in order to grow big like his dad. Otherwise, snacking should be spared specifically for kids and young ladies.
Throwing stones to shemeji when they defeat us in  mashemeji derby at Nyayo Stadium would be another subject to mention to his mum at his own peril. Definitely, I would not admit that I encouraged the lad to do that art of Gor Mahia. For this reason, the boy should not act in any manner to betray his father by spilling the beans in the vicinity of his mother. Also, allowing him drive our V8 (call it beetle) during our outings would be thrilling to him but a heart attack trigger to his lovely mum.Therefore, he ought to keep his mouth shut whenever he shall get on that helm.
Most significantly, I’ll teach him some technical jargon when in the company of my boys. This would help us in our daily communication especially when her siblings, his mum or other potential insiders are around.
Because I’ll be frequently visiting the Kenya airports due to the nature of my job and the investments I’ll be in possession of all over the globe, he will have to always try and get home when darkness creeps in. This will help him to develop confidence and face anyone in the homestead at night trying to mess up with the family assets when I would have travelled to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, for business meetings. This is a proactive measure am taking in advance because his mum, the girls and other small brothers would be looking up on him whenever such scenarios come up. This would make him feel like a man!
He should also realize that forgetfulness is a talent for men, especially when asked to buy some stuff that can’t allow him to freely interact with the boys. He should therefore forget intentionally to buy grocery but never forget to buy beef, mutton or pork. This tactic is an insurance cover against scenarios like that of being sent to mama mboga to get kales on credit or to buy three kilograms of omena . Otherwise, when asked about it, he should give a two syllable answer : I forgot.
Debts are normal and they define who you really are. A pauper is always in debts of hundreds, rich men owe their creditors hundreds of thousands of shillings, institutions owe millions of shillings and governments owe billions. We’re a government in our home, the boy probably being the prime minister and his mum holding the sceptre of a running mate, but do I say?
Men are intermittently poor so he should learn to stick the cliche ‘I Have No Money’ on his lips even when he’s got dollars in the pocket. This will aid in protecting his jumbo accounts and little assets. It reminds me of the instances my mum would slaughter my hens and goats whenever a visitor popped in the retired general’s home without prior notice just because I used to brag that I was rich!
As a smart kid, he should learn to handle stuff regarded as hard by other people. He should therefore lead in hard subjects like maths and sciences in class. He should correspondingly participate in hard games like rugby and chess.
Besides,  he shouldn’t use jelly or any skin lotion after having a shower. Cosmetics are meant for ladies. Mwanaume ni kuparara.
On the other hand,he should deal with manly jobs like tending animals, pruning hedges, mending fences and splitting firewood.
He should not be found in the kitchen most of the time unless if he will be planning to do a food related course in campus. He just needs to be conversant with a few recipes to okoa jahazi when he will have no other option apart from cooking. Otherwise he should just buy some groundnuts or bananas to confuse the hunger pangs.
He should learn to buy a newspaper whenever he’ll be travelling even if he knew beforehand that he would not read it. Precisely, he should be a good reader.
Also, when going to church, decent dressing should be his mantra. His mum would not tolerate hairstyles like afro or Mohawk, so he should adopt executive fashion styles of dressing just like his father.
Lastly, after everything is said and done, he should fear God and keep his commandments. He should be active in church, develop a good relationship with his God and obey his daddy and mummy so that he may live long on earth.
The insights penned in the article above are just but thoughts of a fictious alpha male.

Nyukuri Benjamin

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